and sometimes it's just one song
you play on repeat to bring
those wayward ships home
twisting the blurry lens of your dry, dry eyes
you focus on the white sails
billowing over the curve of the earth.
the piano repeats the melody
in simple twos and threes you think
you could have played it yourself
if you'd only paid a little more attention
as a child, though to your credit
you thought the lighthouse
was the only signal you'd ever need.
it translates to the heat you felt in senegal,
the closest to home you'd been in months
only an ocean to seperate the inevitable
but it would take a host of angels
to remind you you'd never make it,
without one song to play on repeat.
....
somedays, i think i could write a novel. i'd pour it all out - all those months and years - segregated into seasons and swells and shorelines all neat and simple-like by chapter title and page number.
but the real fear is this: if ever i accomplish it and i get it all out (all those regrets and hopes and joys and sorrows and fears and dreams and sins and songs and sunsets and prayers and apologies) spilled out over hundreds of pages with gallons of black ink... what will be left of me?
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
happy new year
here are my new year's resolutions from last year around this time:
1. Budget
2. Work
3. Health
4. Spirituality
5. Education
6. Community
7. Forward
8. Scrapbook
9. Floss
Here's how I stacked up:
1. Budget - 54% success. I made some really good progress here. Didn't get into it until August, but worked on saving, giving, and tracking expenses. Still room to improve, but I made a good effort.
2. Work - 67 % success. I felt really good in the summer/fall about my passion and effort and excitement... Christmas season saw a definite decline in my enthusiasm. I hope in the new year to continue to be ahead of the game.
3. Health - 85 % success. I joined a gym. This was a big deal, and a first for me. I can now run 25 minutes without stopping. Again, this is huge, and I'm really proud of myself. I've sorta lost 20 lbs, give or take. I still need to eat better.
4. Spirituality - 76% success, ha, as if you can rate this sort of thing. our girl's group on Sunday nights is a lifesaver. I feel like this area is always in need of more effort, but overall, a good year.
5. Education - Fail. I still need to figure out what this looks like, and how to pursue it.
6. Community - 83% success. this went well. I'm thankful for all the friends I've made this year. I still need to make an effort to be conversational and vulnerable, but there is a definite community that I am a part of, and that is great.
7. Forward - 97 % success. I am looking forward. I hardly dwelled on the past at all this year, and I truly felt like a new creation. I am probably looking forward too much these days since I am unbelievably excited to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. It's such a great feeling.
8. Scrapbook - 0 % success. miserable fail. I would settle for a photo album at this point.
9. Floss - epic fail.
With all that in mind, here are some goals for 2010:
1. Pray more.
2. Give more.
3. Eat better. Less eating out. Learn to cook.
4. Organize my photos somehow. Maybe a scrapbook was a lofty goal, but at least get stuff in some sort of coherent situation.
5. Floss. Seriously. Wednesdays and Fridays will be designated flossing days. (Along with this, I should probably go to the dentist this year. It's been like 3 years).
6. Gratitude. Express thankfulness everyday.
7. Run in a race.
8. Education. Research grad school. Figure out what God wants me (& David) to do next.
That's good. I actually realized some of these things last year, and I am discovering that if I really put my mind to something, I will do it.
1. Budget
2. Work
3. Health
4. Spirituality
5. Education
6. Community
7. Forward
8. Scrapbook
9. Floss
Here's how I stacked up:
1. Budget - 54% success. I made some really good progress here. Didn't get into it until August, but worked on saving, giving, and tracking expenses. Still room to improve, but I made a good effort.
2. Work - 67 % success. I felt really good in the summer/fall about my passion and effort and excitement... Christmas season saw a definite decline in my enthusiasm. I hope in the new year to continue to be ahead of the game.
3. Health - 85 % success. I joined a gym. This was a big deal, and a first for me. I can now run 25 minutes without stopping. Again, this is huge, and I'm really proud of myself. I've sorta lost 20 lbs, give or take. I still need to eat better.
4. Spirituality - 76% success, ha, as if you can rate this sort of thing. our girl's group on Sunday nights is a lifesaver. I feel like this area is always in need of more effort, but overall, a good year.
5. Education - Fail. I still need to figure out what this looks like, and how to pursue it.
6. Community - 83% success. this went well. I'm thankful for all the friends I've made this year. I still need to make an effort to be conversational and vulnerable, but there is a definite community that I am a part of, and that is great.
7. Forward - 97 % success. I am looking forward. I hardly dwelled on the past at all this year, and I truly felt like a new creation. I am probably looking forward too much these days since I am unbelievably excited to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. It's such a great feeling.
8. Scrapbook - 0 % success. miserable fail. I would settle for a photo album at this point.
9. Floss - epic fail.
With all that in mind, here are some goals for 2010:
1. Pray more.
2. Give more.
3. Eat better. Less eating out. Learn to cook.
4. Organize my photos somehow. Maybe a scrapbook was a lofty goal, but at least get stuff in some sort of coherent situation.
5. Floss. Seriously. Wednesdays and Fridays will be designated flossing days. (Along with this, I should probably go to the dentist this year. It's been like 3 years).
6. Gratitude. Express thankfulness everyday.
7. Run in a race.
8. Education. Research grad school. Figure out what God wants me (& David) to do next.
That's good. I actually realized some of these things last year, and I am discovering that if I really put my mind to something, I will do it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
write everyday.
i used to hold steadfast to this philosophy: one should write everyday. but in the last couple years (the post-YWAM years) i've felt like i have nothing to say. after hunching over dirty, rubberbanded journals in africa, dripping sweat and tears, scrawling sun-scorched poetry - well, the gray, slushy iowa days don't beget the same level of inspiration. this should not be an excuse, but it is.
truly, i am living in the happiest iowan days i've ever known. but the simplicity and sweet ease of days coming and going do not always make for the best writing. we all know the great writers nursed tortured souls, chained by conflict, extremes, and addictions. and in this period of goodness, this season of plenty, i have a gnawing hunch that days of difficulty are not far off (in this world you WILL have trouble) so i wait, poised, pen-in-hand, for the trigger to go off.
but i have realized something. in these good seasons of life, in these graceful moments of respite, are where the good habits need to be pursued and developed. habits of giving, of opening up, of taking care - habits for me personally that include spending time with God, exercising, flossing, reading, and writing. things that detox my soul (well... flossing may or may not do this, but i really wish i could get into flossing so i'm including it here). if i create good patterns now, then hopefully, in those dark and desperate moments, i will turn to healthy, life-regenerating activities to get through.
okay. good. i wrote something.
truly, i am living in the happiest iowan days i've ever known. but the simplicity and sweet ease of days coming and going do not always make for the best writing. we all know the great writers nursed tortured souls, chained by conflict, extremes, and addictions. and in this period of goodness, this season of plenty, i have a gnawing hunch that days of difficulty are not far off (in this world you WILL have trouble) so i wait, poised, pen-in-hand, for the trigger to go off.
but i have realized something. in these good seasons of life, in these graceful moments of respite, are where the good habits need to be pursued and developed. habits of giving, of opening up, of taking care - habits for me personally that include spending time with God, exercising, flossing, reading, and writing. things that detox my soul (well... flossing may or may not do this, but i really wish i could get into flossing so i'm including it here). if i create good patterns now, then hopefully, in those dark and desperate moments, i will turn to healthy, life-regenerating activities to get through.
okay. good. i wrote something.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
hope of heaven
our bodies are deteriorating all the time. we are in a constant state of movement - of friction that causes wear and tear on our tissues and cells and bones. we were not built to last - not in this state. we were not meant to be comfortable, to be completely content and cozy, even if that is what our default mode makes us strive for. there is no way to preserve this - the temporal here and now. and the sooner we are okay with that fact, the better.
i long for heaven. i hope for heaven. i ache for this to end sometimes - to hear the words "well done." but as i begin Don Miller's latest artistic achievement, i wonder what stories i will sit down and tell God? what will make my attempt at a life great in light of eternity? what will make God smile? as a writer, i love a powerful story. stories knit us together, stories transcend the temporary, and stories are, at their core, a life worth living. people will listen for hours to stories about selfless love, stories about lives spent in poverty and extreme giving, stories of spiritual transformation, stories of miracles and journeys and overcome odds and dreams realized.
no one wants to hear stories centered around making a lot of money and living an extravagant, selfish life. no one wants to hear about lives of muted monotany and job security. no one wants to hear stories about getting lazy, getting into a routine, getting a fancy car, getting insurance, getting popular, getting Prozac, and getting promoted. no one wants to hear about the guy that never changed, never jumped, never really risked anything and had a nice, fat retirement. it's boring.
but if those things are boring, why do we often strive for those things in our day to day lives? why do we brag about them when they happen to us, and get jealous when they happen to others?
because those things make life easier on us. they make the wear and tear a little less obvious, at least for a moment. you don't feel the friction. there is no tension. and then, poof, you die.
"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permenant planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
- Jack London
i long for heaven. i hope for heaven. i ache for this to end sometimes - to hear the words "well done." but as i begin Don Miller's latest artistic achievement, i wonder what stories i will sit down and tell God? what will make my attempt at a life great in light of eternity? what will make God smile? as a writer, i love a powerful story. stories knit us together, stories transcend the temporary, and stories are, at their core, a life worth living. people will listen for hours to stories about selfless love, stories about lives spent in poverty and extreme giving, stories of spiritual transformation, stories of miracles and journeys and overcome odds and dreams realized.
no one wants to hear stories centered around making a lot of money and living an extravagant, selfish life. no one wants to hear about lives of muted monotany and job security. no one wants to hear stories about getting lazy, getting into a routine, getting a fancy car, getting insurance, getting popular, getting Prozac, and getting promoted. no one wants to hear about the guy that never changed, never jumped, never really risked anything and had a nice, fat retirement. it's boring.
but if those things are boring, why do we often strive for those things in our day to day lives? why do we brag about them when they happen to us, and get jealous when they happen to others?
because those things make life easier on us. they make the wear and tear a little less obvious, at least for a moment. you don't feel the friction. there is no tension. and then, poof, you die.
"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permenant planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
- Jack London
Thursday, December 10, 2009
potato skins
today could have been movie worthy. but not the type you're thinking of. more a minimalistic, obscure piece with lots of piano and scenes shot through car windows. rolling white landscape. incoherent snapshots. the moments we forget to treasure up.
this morning i sat in a diner - toes and fingers numb like red icicles. heavy layers peeled and thrust into the booth before me, save my wet black gloves, deliberately laid out on the table to dry. two inconspicuous hand prints. i savored the warm, cheap coffee in the predictable white mug. i savored the 60's music spinning on scratched CDs - waitresses singing along and getting the words all wrong. i savored the omelet and greasy hash browns and pieces of conversations - loud and impolite and Iowan - between cops and truckers about road conditions and weather.
later, there were cars to be dug out of ravenous cocoons of snow, mugs of hot chocolate and cider, bare christmas trees and stolen moments alone listening to waterdeep. i kept wanting to postpone my birthday somehow, and now i realize that this snowstorm was a backwards answer to my wish.
this evening i helped prepare dinner at the drake house. i peeled and sliced potatoes and veggies. in a very quick moment of stupidity totally unrelated to chopping up food, i sliced a chunk of skin almost entirely off my pointer finger. mortified, and never wanting to draw attention, i folded the dangling flap of white skin back over, and tried to coolly notify others of my misfortunate and sudden need for a bandaid. the blood started to ooze, growing more and more alarming. i felt light-headed and shaky, but kept trying to laugh and ignore it until a duct-tape bandaid hid the disaster from view. it didn't take long until that was soaked through as well, but i refuse to remove the bandaid and examine the situation further. i'd most likely pass out.
its been a long time since i've injured myself like that. i felt childish. it seems i felt all my ages today, in one moment to the next. simple joys and hurt, maturity and immaturity, fear and bravery. fitting that this is my 26th post, on my 26th birthday.
... something unrelated that i've been thinking about lately: the artist as the outcast/observer... is it the price to pay for doing something you love?
this morning i sat in a diner - toes and fingers numb like red icicles. heavy layers peeled and thrust into the booth before me, save my wet black gloves, deliberately laid out on the table to dry. two inconspicuous hand prints. i savored the warm, cheap coffee in the predictable white mug. i savored the 60's music spinning on scratched CDs - waitresses singing along and getting the words all wrong. i savored the omelet and greasy hash browns and pieces of conversations - loud and impolite and Iowan - between cops and truckers about road conditions and weather.
later, there were cars to be dug out of ravenous cocoons of snow, mugs of hot chocolate and cider, bare christmas trees and stolen moments alone listening to waterdeep. i kept wanting to postpone my birthday somehow, and now i realize that this snowstorm was a backwards answer to my wish.
this evening i helped prepare dinner at the drake house. i peeled and sliced potatoes and veggies. in a very quick moment of stupidity totally unrelated to chopping up food, i sliced a chunk of skin almost entirely off my pointer finger. mortified, and never wanting to draw attention, i folded the dangling flap of white skin back over, and tried to coolly notify others of my misfortunate and sudden need for a bandaid. the blood started to ooze, growing more and more alarming. i felt light-headed and shaky, but kept trying to laugh and ignore it until a duct-tape bandaid hid the disaster from view. it didn't take long until that was soaked through as well, but i refuse to remove the bandaid and examine the situation further. i'd most likely pass out.
its been a long time since i've injured myself like that. i felt childish. it seems i felt all my ages today, in one moment to the next. simple joys and hurt, maturity and immaturity, fear and bravery. fitting that this is my 26th post, on my 26th birthday.
... something unrelated that i've been thinking about lately: the artist as the outcast/observer... is it the price to pay for doing something you love?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
26
the snow is coming down - like sideways sheets, like clouds that lost their way, they settle on frozen earth. i am generally thrilled for nights like these - trapped in the haven of this toasty apartment, my car wedged eternally in a snowdrift out front. nowhere to go, nothing to do. the sky, a muffled hue of orange from downtown city lights, punctuated by blackbirds and the bare, craggy branches of shivering trees.
but tonight, david has a birthday dinner planned for me. with a booked week ahead, this was the only night that worked. so, in a few moments, i will brave the wild winter to travel to his home. at least he had the foresight this year to prepare a meal as opposed to going somewhere. and tomorrow, i had a list a mile long of work-related requirements that will now get frustratingly postponed. and, worst of all, the last Christmas play practice was supposed to happen tomorrow night. without it, we chuck these kids head-first into performance weekend, and i'm personally freaking out about that.
but what can i do? i know i should accept this forced-pause and take stock of all the good things in my life. i am on the doorstep of 26. i have nightmares of suddenly being so old, so tired, and so sad for all the moments i missed. my greatest fear was always dying... as a little kid i'd stay up late and cry, just thinking about mom, dad, my sisters, and myself, all eventually succumbing to death. but now i know that the best way i can quench my fear of death, is to give my 1 shot at life everything i've got. so, my question becomes: how will 26 bring me closer to the life God has intended for me?
but tonight, david has a birthday dinner planned for me. with a booked week ahead, this was the only night that worked. so, in a few moments, i will brave the wild winter to travel to his home. at least he had the foresight this year to prepare a meal as opposed to going somewhere. and tomorrow, i had a list a mile long of work-related requirements that will now get frustratingly postponed. and, worst of all, the last Christmas play practice was supposed to happen tomorrow night. without it, we chuck these kids head-first into performance weekend, and i'm personally freaking out about that.
but what can i do? i know i should accept this forced-pause and take stock of all the good things in my life. i am on the doorstep of 26. i have nightmares of suddenly being so old, so tired, and so sad for all the moments i missed. my greatest fear was always dying... as a little kid i'd stay up late and cry, just thinking about mom, dad, my sisters, and myself, all eventually succumbing to death. but now i know that the best way i can quench my fear of death, is to give my 1 shot at life everything i've got. so, my question becomes: how will 26 bring me closer to the life God has intended for me?
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