look to the ones we've loved

i really ought to write more. ten times a day, i come up with fragments, bits and pieces worth mentioning somewhere. but i usually let them disappear without a fight. maybe i should start trying a little harder.

i am sitting, feet propped up, in the breakfast nook. listening to deerhunter. just finished some cold black coffee, and some oatmeal. wondering how the day would like to unfold. the sun is shining boldly through the windows. i might brave an outdoor run this afternoon. at the moment, there are lots of things i should accomplish. here is a list, because i need lists.

1. get amelia a birthday gift

2. clean out my closet/goodwill run

3. sew the buttons back on my hat/coat

4. complete the online application for SA

5. make a SA facebook page

6. upload my photos to facebook/flikr

7. clean the living room/dining room/kitchen

8. go for a run

as i mentioned in #1, today is amelia's birthday. she is sixteen. that's hard for me to grasp. she's my cousin, but we're much closer than that. more like sisters, i changed her diapers when she was a baby, played make-believe games of ninjas and cowboys when she was a kid, and served as her chauffeur and coffee buddy these past few years. we've always had a tight connection which has only flourished and deepened as the years have carried on. from the converse shoes and stripes, to our similar height and build, to the lopsided humor, i see the influence has become cyclical.

if we ever look around and think to ourselves that the globe has finally slowed down, and not much time has passed, all we need to do is look to the ones we've loved since the day they were born. because then you realize 16 years has passed in the stunning, sudden blink of an eye. and right in front of you, at your eye-level, stands an incredibly cool young woman.

i've got a book i should review on here, and i've got a lot of paradigm-shifting thoughts from Perspectives that i need to hash out, but for now, i'm going to leave it at that.

i finished this book earlier in the week. i'd give it a 3 out of 5 stars. the author's writing style was almost excruciatingly well-done, in order to suite the first-person narrator he was trying to embody... but it left the book lacking at times (which haddon may have very well intended, but i still didn't love it). it was a clever concept, to write wholly from the viewpoint of a young man with autism, and an overall good plot. while there's a happy ending vibe, i think i was secretly hoping the twists and turns would lead somewhere more memorable. it's a great concept, and it's executed well. still, not something i'd go ranting and raving about to all my friends.

.....

i'm sitting in my apartment right now, up to my ears in damp socks, boxers, t-shirts, cardigans, underwear; all drying on every available surface in this itsy-bitsy place. we're out of quarters, and this afternoon had tried to stuff the dryer for all it's worth, to no avail. we just ended up with a warm, damp ball of wrinkly clothing. we had to scurry around like mice, trying to spread everything out to dry before driving over to the keller's house for dinner.

we had a meeting tonight about south africa, the summer mission trip that david and i are planning on taking. a trip i'd assumed would be under-the-radar; a quiet retreat for us both to hone our teamworking skills out of the limelight of zion lutheran. a trip where we could serve and love others together. a trip where i wouldn't have to lead.

things aren't turning out at all like i'd wanted or expected. it looks like lots of other zion people are wanting to take this trip too. by the end of the meeting, i'd pretty much been nominated leader, and had been told to start advertising the trip at zion and think of some fundraising strategies.

i'm having a bad attitude about it, because i'd envisioned something entirely different. after years of getting looked at/scrutinized as a "leader," when i personally would never define myself as such, i just wanted a break. an escape. a chance to be one of the crowd, one of the team, and go with the flow. i don't want to organize informational meetings, write announcements in the bulletin, plan fundraising events, write letters to the trust fund. i'm not good at that kind of stuff.

but i'm finding this theme repeated in life a lot lately (which means i need to learn it already): you don't get what you want. life doesn't fit in nice, neat, proper little boxes. it's messy, and it's difficult. and anyway, it's not my mission trip... it's God's. i need to decrease, so He can increase. i need to get over myself and my idyllic little vision of david and i, side by side, telling kids about Jesus. that can still be the case, but i need to open my vision up to more. and that includes more serving the people around me right now - including zion people who may need the experience of a mission trip to open up their hearts to the heart of God.

i need to get over myself already, and maybe i need to go for a run to clear my head.

and i need to put away all these clothes.

Into the Wild by John Krakauer

i am going to try to keep better track of what i'm reading in 2011. so, when i finish a book, i'm going to make note of it on here. i don't really have a set reading goal just yet... i'm a speed reader, so setting a number of books to finish in a year is sort of silly to me. instead, i hope to widen my horizons, by reading more classics. i've got a list of 100 books that every person should read before they die, so i'll mix those books in with the current stuff i like to read.

i'll say a couple things about this book. i've wanted to read it for a long while. i finally got my hands on it, and in the first few pages i'd formed my conclusions about the boy Krakauer was trying to understand. i thought he was an idiot. but this book is great because it makes you question and ultimately reconsider your conclusions. Krakauer is a genius, if slightly snobbish, author. he knows his stuff, and his vocabulary in describing the world around us is stunning. he paints with his words. he's good with natural beauty and scenery. in the end, i felt satisfied, even though i was left a bit sad. Krakauer's study and analysis was exhaustive, and he answered all my questions.

a couple other books i finished in the end of 2010, that are all movies i now need to watch:

Never Let Me Go (i'll give it 4 out of 5 stars... i recognize the art of subtleties, but i still wanted more)

Water For Elephants (5 out of 5, because this was such a fun read, and i loved the time period and setting)

Love in the Time of Cholera (5 out of 5. stunning. no wonder this is a classic.)

i know i need to get a library card. i'm addicted to buying books, and i love beat-up, old half-price ones, but it's financially impractical with my insatiable reading appetite, to constantly be purchasing them. they also take up a lot of space. which we don't have. but i will continue to reject and hold out against the Nook/Kindle rage as long as i can.

accumulations.

january's porcelain-white rays of sun
chips at wafers of watery ice
sliding like glaciers
over opaque windowpanes.

involuntary shivers, stuffed in slippers
cocooned in fuzzy blankets
surrounded by paint chipped radiators
crackling under the pressure to deliver.

i'm ruminating too long
on the tragedies of a boy
who died in an abandoned bus
surrounded by the unforgiving, heartwrenching
taiga of alaska.

we were looking for the same thing.

but i know the numbing effect
of even 2 or 3 years on our convictions,
our passions. our stark abilities
to resist the current begin to soften
& lose the lines of definition.
time's waters wear out our edges.

call it foolish or beautiful,
i know it's been lost, swept away or worn out:
the foolhardy, the awe-inspiring,
idiotically outrageous ability

to live out entirely what i believe.



...


i look around me and i want to pack everything up in boxes. i want to put the couches on the curb, the chairs on craigslist. i want to sell the car and store the documents and cancel the insurance. i want to cash in the savings account, drop boxes off at goodwill, and burn the rest. i am too tethered to these silly possessions, to these inaccurate, stuffy definitions of self. the idea/the tendency/the call to Go never fades, but remains so vague. i realize it's probably not normal, and it gets amplified in times of frustration, but i still don't know what it means. is it me, or is it God?

i want to show that i mean it.

God's Plan for ___________

last night, the theme for our kids programming was that God has good plans for your life. it was based on jeremiah 29:11, a classic take-it-out-of-context-and-slap-it-on-a-coffee-cup bible verse. without delving into all the debatable theology behind this concept, i want to share the craft that the kids made. it was a little booklet with "God's Plan for _______" on the cover (fill in your name, kids). on the blank pages inside, the kids were to come up with some ideas that they thought God might have for their lives. it could be for the next week or year of their lives, or it could be 10, 20, 40 years down the road, and while we don't KNOW exactly what God has in store, it's fun to dream and make guesses. from the precious to hilarious, here were some of their ideas:

God's plan for me is to move to Tennessee and see Miley Cyrus every month.

God's plan for me is to make my bed everyday.

God's plan for me is to love everyone.

God's plan for me is to be a Hawkeye.

God's plan for me is to be hot. (this is a personal favorite)

God's plan for me is to never get married.

God's plan for me is to go to heaven.


And while i still have no idea what i would write if i were to create my own little booklet, these kids helped me to imagine with a little more freedom, and a better sense of humor.

these last couple weeks have been overflowing with goodness. daily routine was interrupted, and that interruption was a welcomed and needed change. i'm realizing that i, for one, do not thrive on a routine. some people need it, and i can see why - i'll admit i could use the structure that a routine would bring. but i'm always looking to mix things up and keep things fresh. i love not knowing what a day will bring. i avoid making plans, because i like to wait and see which way the wind blows.

everyday of the christmas season was full of unexpected surprises and goodies. i reconnected with lots of friends, and was able to connect with a few of david's friends as well. sometimes i sit back and marvel at how much we've all grown up... but i'm also so happy and impressed with how well adulthood fits many of my friends. it's not something they've run from, and it suits them well. family time was also treasured, and our escape to cedar falls really felt like a relaxing vacation off the map. i love how david's parents live in the woods, on the cedar river. they're surrounded by breathtaking nature, and with all the huge windows and beautiful views, you don't even have to go outside.

anyway. on to some resolutions. david and i talked through some things we want be sure to do as a couple in 2011. we've already got some new endeavors lined up that we're excited about like taking a perspectives course, investing in a new camera to improve our photography skills, and going to south africa on a short term mission trip. but we want to also be faithful in the daily, weekly parts of our marriage. we kept it simple. here is the little list we made:

1. pray together every night before bed, making sure to pray for something/someone other than ourselves

2. have an intentional date night every week that includes going somewhere, and having meaningful conversation

3. read together

these are things we sort of/sometimes do as a couple, but we want to make them bigger, consistent parts of our relationship. they help us connect, to one another and to our Creator. we had such a fantastic first christmas as a married couple, and we are waiting anxiously to see what other good things He has in store in 2011. of course, the best thing about these past 2 weeks has been sharing it all with my husband. marriage is such a cool thing. i obviously don't have words to describe it adequately at the moment.

i'll get to my resolutions at another time.