as cities burn

soon she'll become my new sun,

soon she'll become my dim reflected love,

to light my way

after i trade loving You, for loving to obey.

because even with my feet on the path,

our quiet hearts lost contact.

so, now i'm wandering off,

just to hear You calling me back.

...

ran to this album yesterday. certain seasons of life can be encapsulated in the music you chose back then. this album narrates the frustration i felt in australia... the blind obedience they demanded, their resistance to the question "why"? don't get me wrong, my 6 months with that organization changed my life... God changed my life in that place. but there were some serious flaws that got brushed under the table.

the odd thing was that yesterday, i was trying to listen to a completely different song, but got led to this album by mistake. and now, 3 years later, it's still ringing true. the boldfaced questions, the doubt, the struggle. i'm in this now. so, have i really grown at all? or are we all feedback loops; the stories we tell ourselves?

i feel like i'm testing God. i'm pushing buttons. i'm throwing rocks and temper tantrums. i'm behaving like a child. i'm yelling "HEY. are You really there??" i'm demanding a sign. a lightning bolt. a whisper. a miracle. a burning bush. anything. i start to replace Him with obedience. with actions that never measure up. and i get more and more frustrated.

...

won't you come down, heaven?

won't you come down?

won't you cover the ground, won't you come down?

(did your clouds stop His voice?)

recap

i brought a box of cereal to work today... in the hopes that i would find some milk, a bowl, a spoon, and call it lunch. we're a little low on groceries. i could have made a sandwich, but then i would have used the last bagel, and david would have been up a creek come tomorrow AM. this whole grocery-shopping thing has oddly been one of the most noticable adjustments to marriage life these past 2 months. we consume so much food. we do a good job; we make lots of meals together, we take our lunches to work, but it just seems like it runs out so fast. i can't imagine what will happen if we ever add a couple more humans to the equation.

in other news, i finished the whole stieg larsson trilogy this past week or so, by reading The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. if i was to write a review for some sort of journal, i'd give the whole thing 4 1/2 out of 5 stars. high-brow, complicated writing, intricate details, dozens of characters and twists and turns. not maybe my personal favorite genre, but he knew what he was doing and he did it well. an intriguing protagonist to be sure. if i was to review for my own personal self, i'd give the whole thing 3 1/2 out of five. i like more poetic prose, more symbolism, more witty dialogue with depth, more character analysis, less characters in general. however; the whole thing was translated from swedish - maybe some of his craft and artistry got lost in the translation.

these last couple weeks have been relatively quiet in the world of david and breeann. we're sort of getting into a routine. we're trying to strike a healthy balance of together time, friends time, and seperate time. we don't want to get sucked into the married-people-black-hole, and dissapear from the face of the earth... at least, not until winter anyway. we've got to get out and make use of these last few beautiful days.

noteworthy events include:

- drive-in movie night, where we got a crew of 10 to take a couple cars out to Newton, spread a bunch of blankets out on the grass, passed around popcorn and beers, and watched the worst movie ever created. the expendables. don't watch it. ever. it was so bad, but the company and ambiance made up for it. we had no choice but to burst out laughing through most of the movie.

- work parties, where the staff around zion will come up with any excuse to get together, eat good food, and enjoy each other's company. i know i'll never find a work environment like this again, where i pretty much work with a bunch of friends, where we actually enjoy each other's company. we've had some fun gatherings these last few weeks including a long lunch at mullets, the camping trip that got canceled and turned into soup at brent and kari's, and tina-fest/beaverdale fest at carol and dave's.

- cedar falls, where we got to spend some serious quality time with little nephew elliot, sarah, and john and caryn. we went on a long morning walk through the trails that ended at a new, adorable coffee shop, and everything is so relaxing up there, perched right on the river. it always feels like a mini-vacation, and we always wish we could stay longer.

- des moines social club/court avenue brewing co. with ryan and anu. fun night out on the town with them, going to a really interesting play at the black box theater, and then watching a late iowa game over at court ave. we ordered some amazing pizzas, and i hada yummy local cider beer, which always makes me happy. not to mention, the conversation was really good.

- dinner at mary's, where a bunch of girls gathered to enjoy each other's company, and mary's wonderful cooking. it was a great time to catch up, and it was sweet of mary to serve so many of us in such a generous way.

....

work stuff hasn't been great lately, so i treasure these moments where i feel like i really am doing what i'm meant to be doing... moments where i can listen to others, be connected to others, and get out of my own thoughts for awhile.

there is no fear in love

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." - Romans 12:9-16


my mind often loops back to these 2 responses: love and fear. are they opposites? when we are not loving, is it because we are afraid? the meanings of these 2 overused words get lost - in translation and in oversimplification. when our loves expand to include pizza, and our fears expand to include cracks in the sidewalk, i think we begin to lose the significance.

i recently was a part of a discussion where we listed our real fears. these fears can be chains, enslaving us, motivating us, and forcing us to behave in cowardly, unloving ways. i didn't speak up - partially because i was afraid, ha - but i thought long and hard about the deep-rooted fears that subconsciously drive me in a direction i'm not proud of. at the end of the day, when all the lights are turned off and i am lying awake in bed, this is what i am really afraid of:

- i am afraid of death. of dying. of growing old and ceasing to exist. of my loved ones dying. this is embarrassing, because i work at a church and i know Jesus is my savior. in my best moments, i believe with an unwavering faith that heaven is next. but in my worst moments, i am almost paralyzed by the possibility of nothingness. emptiness. silence. eternity.

- i am afraid that i will fail someone. disappoint someone. that someone won't like me. anyone. i am a perfectionist. this is a combination of the strange pressure placed on "the oldest" (in my family and in my extended family on both sides), my personality, and my mom. this fear is relentless - it comes out in the clothes i wear, the time i spend criticizing my body, and the words i write but never share. this surfaces at my job, and in any group setting where i don't speak up.

- i am afraid that i will sink into the american dream. more specifically: i am afraid of how easily the american dream entices me. it scares me - how much i love stuff. from a camera to an ipod to a new pair of boots, it is absolutely ridiculous. america's individualistic, self-serving, all-consuming mentality just seeps into my skin from all sides, and i hate the result. it is so, so hard to resist. part of me is always wanting more. new furniture, new clothes, new hobbies. it is a relentless weakness.

so, there they are. the biggest crutches in my life. the things i cannot shake. the things i could not say the other night.

how do those 3 fears cause me to be unloving?

- they keep me from opening up. they keep me from loving uninhibited, because (1) i am afraid i will eventually lose the people i open to and (2) i am afraid they won't like me. but in order to love, you've got to give yourself to the people around you.

- they keep me from understanding people who are different. i try so hard to do things "right," and live by a strict moral compass, and i don't understand when people around me are careless and indifferent about what others may think. deeper still, i am probably harboring jealousy towards the freedom they have to be who they want to be. i can't love when i'm judging, or jealous.

- they keep me isolated and selfish. if i'm internally focused, thinking about the stuff i want to accquire, then i'm not looking to the needs of people around me. i'm not giving. i'm insulating myself in a bubble... in an air conditioned house with locked doors and a big tv. i'm not pouring myself out if i'm trying to store it all up.

i've never taken the time to link my personal fears to my inability to love. i hope that realizing them and writing them out will cause me to be more conscious of the love (or lack thereof) in my life.

rally day remnants

an overflowing popcorn machine.

this is what happens to cotton candy, after 8 minutes in the sun.

poor greta volunteered herself to be the hottest, sweatiest, loneliest clown ever.

..........

my job is about kids. it's a lot better when the kids are around, which is why i'm okay with summer coming to a close. i'm not the greatest with adults, but i love teaching kids. fall programming has launched, and i have felt some incredible enthusiasm and positive energy. feeling a bit refreshed, thankfully.

..........

"nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts his voice, the earth melts."

psalm 46:6

labor day

what a family-filled weekend! it was absolutely gorgeous, and i was more than thrilled to finally get to wear jeans, long sleeves, and flats. fall clothing is my fave.

friday, david and i vegged out. looking back, i have no clue what we did... i have terrible short-term memory loss sometimes.

saturday i woke early to meet mary for coffee at mars. mary's phone unfortunately died in the night, so she was a no-show, but i spotted zach reading at a booth, so i chatted with him for a long while. matt came by and let us sample some chemex coffee, which was delicious. jon pearson and merle spent a little time with us as well and it was good to catch up with some of these peripheral friends.

around 10:30, david and i ventured downtown to the farmer's market. we picked up some veggies and met up w/brent, kari, and their fam for a bit. once home, david went to mow, i went for a run, and we rendezvoused at zion at 2 to go down and volunteer to package meals for meals from the heartland. i led a small zion team, which mainly consisted of my family, but we had a good time doing assembly line work for a couple hours. my dad goofed off and told stories from his college summers when he worked at a brick-making plant, sufficiently embarrassing jenalee and i. but he keeps things interesting.

dinner saturday night was grilling with the fam. sunday AM was the big "Labor Day Large Group Event" at zion, where i was in charge of entertaining kids ages 3-12 for an hour. we did a scavenger hunt that may have been over some of their heads, but they all got a silly band bracelet at the conclusion, so everyone was happy.

for lunch, david and i decided to have a picnic, and we took all our food to a nearby park. it was perfect and we lingered in the sun as long as we could. the rest of sunday was lost on me, since i was reading The Kite Runner. i got so entrenched in the storyline, i couldn't tear myself away. i just read and read and read until i finished it, around 10ish. i can hardly function when i get like that, so wrapped up in the characters and emotions. it is a good, if heartbreaking, book. it left me feeling sad, but it is also profound. i'd recommend it.

monday, we slept in, and then decided to get a proper, greasy breakfast at the drake diner. apparently, everyone else in des moines had the same idea. we were there for over 2 hours. but the food was delicious, and we got to sit out on the patio, so no complaints. we saw tracy and joe there too. they were planning to take the day and drive to an unknown destination somewhere in small-town iowa. i think david and i will have to do that sometime.

monday afternoon, we had our own small-town iowa adventure lined up. it was a big, extended christensen gathering in chariton, iowa. my uncle dan is a character, and he had the whole day planned out for us. he gave us brochures at the end of the driveway that he had typed up, listing all the "festivals" we were going to attend that day. they were recreations/reenactments of past festivals, all for David's sake, since he'd missed many of these memorable past gatherings. dan loves to have big "events" out on his land, whether it is the Sidewalk Walk, MAN Camp, the Reformation Bonfire, the Apple Picking Festival, or Zinnia Days, he's always trying to entice us with some sort of ridiculousness.

he'd labeled himself the Zinnia King - complete with hat and scepter covered in zinnias, and he led us from one event to the next, clipboard in hand. he could probably audition to be an extra on The Office. he does this all completely deadpan, but it's all so absurd. we ended the afternoon with the gameshow "How Christensen Are You?" which put the 3 brother-in-laws on a panel that my grandpa had to judge. the whole thing was filmed by my cousin joey. my mom and ellen complain incessantly about how weird their little brother is, but i've always found dan to be the sort of guy that everyone will tell stories about someday. he's quite legendary in his outrageousness. he's sort of unforgettable. i only took a couple pictures, but this might capture the essence of the day.

the Zinnia King Himself, delivering an address to his kingdom:

the King's DIY zinnia scepter, handmade with love:



we were encouraged to "ohhh" and "ahhh" periodically:

this is the recreation of the Reformation Bonfire... it was a little too windy to actually have a bonfire, so we roasted tiny marshmallows over a candle in the fireplace...

grandpa, holding the end-result, a teeny, tiny s'more complete with m&m's for chocolate:

the "How Christensen Are You" panelists. i think my dad won.

i remember a time when i used to hate family functions. i used to think it was all so lame and how i'd rather be hanging out with my friends. i'm thankful that time has softened my heart, and i now treasure these gatherings - the delicious food, the endless laughter and chiding, the hugs and conversations, the back-in-time, simple iowa feel of it all.

half priced books and an ipod

tonight, after a tasty thai dinner with abby, i ventured over to half-priced books, in search of my next read. i've been a voracious reader my whole life, and my passion for literature has been reignited in the past couple years, but the problem becomes the outrageous speed with which i devour any given book. i barrel through books quicker than i can buy them. i know i should frequent more libraries, but i can never find the books i want, and there is something about the feel of owning a new book that gets me excited like nothing else. super nerdy, i know. but i love to add books to my own personal collection, and i like to be able to own books by writing in them, folding pages, taking them places, getting them dirty, showing them a little love. one of the books i'm most proud of is my copy of Irresistible Revolution, that traveled through africa and through the hands of many of my teammates in late 2007 - getting completely trashed, pages tinted with red earth and dirty fingerprints.

tonight, half-priced books did not disappoint. i was able to get Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri, and The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. All books that have been on my book wish list at one time or another, and i got them all for a grand total of $8.46! i need to take time to go over there more often.


in other purchasing news, i am the soon-to-be owner of an iPod touch, 4th generation, 32 gigs. i've been waiting and waiting with unnecessary anticipation for good ol' steve jobs' latest overrated press conference all summer long. my poor 2nd gen iPod has run out of pep, and can barely hold on to sing me the whole arcade fire album during a run. and, my sad junky camera is all scratched and beat up. i hoped against hope that these 2 needs would merge into one beautiful contraption. i mean, why not? apple seems to be able to do everything else, why not fuse an ipod with a camera? well, yesterday was the day where it was in fact announced that the new iPod touch would have front and rear facing cameras, with HD recording and editing capabilities! delightful. it will soon be mine.

silly, maybe, to blog about my latest purchases, but i think it was time for a more lighthearted blog filled with the aimless paraphernalia of my meandering mind.