"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." - Romans 12:9-16
my mind often loops back to these 2 responses: love and fear. are they opposites? when we are not loving, is it because we are afraid? the meanings of these 2 overused words get lost - in translation and in oversimplification. when our loves expand to include pizza, and our fears expand to include cracks in the sidewalk, i think we begin to lose the significance.
i recently was a part of a discussion where we listed our real fears. these fears can be chains, enslaving us, motivating us, and forcing us to behave in cowardly, unloving ways. i didn't speak up - partially because i was afraid, ha - but i thought long and hard about the deep-rooted fears that subconsciously drive me in a direction i'm not proud of. at the end of the day, when all the lights are turned off and i am lying awake in bed, this is what i am really afraid of:
- i am afraid of death. of dying. of growing old and ceasing to exist. of my loved ones dying. this is embarrassing, because i work at a church and i know Jesus is my savior. in my best moments, i believe with an unwavering faith that heaven is next. but in my worst moments, i am almost paralyzed by the possibility of nothingness. emptiness. silence. eternity.
- i am afraid that i will fail someone. disappoint someone. that someone won't like me. anyone. i am a perfectionist. this is a combination of the strange pressure placed on "the oldest" (in my family and in my extended family on both sides), my personality, and my mom. this fear is relentless - it comes out in the clothes i wear, the time i spend criticizing my body, and the words i write but never share. this surfaces at my job, and in any group setting where i don't speak up.
- i am afraid that i will sink into the american dream. more specifically: i am afraid of how easily the american dream entices me. it scares me - how much i love stuff. from a camera to an ipod to a new pair of boots, it is absolutely ridiculous. america's individualistic, self-serving, all-consuming mentality just seeps into my skin from all sides, and i hate the result. it is so, so hard to resist. part of me is always wanting more. new furniture, new clothes, new hobbies. it is a relentless weakness.
so, there they are. the biggest crutches in my life. the things i cannot shake. the things i could not say the other night.
how do those 3 fears cause me to be unloving?
- they keep me from opening up. they keep me from loving uninhibited, because (1) i am afraid i will eventually lose the people i open to and (2) i am afraid they won't like me. but in order to love, you've got to give yourself to the people around you.
- they keep me from understanding people who are different. i try so hard to do things "right," and live by a strict moral compass, and i don't understand when people around me are careless and indifferent about what others may think. deeper still, i am probably harboring jealousy towards the freedom they have to be who they want to be. i can't love when i'm judging, or jealous.
- they keep me isolated and selfish. if i'm internally focused, thinking about the stuff i want to accquire, then i'm not looking to the needs of people around me. i'm not giving. i'm insulating myself in a bubble... in an air conditioned house with locked doors and a big tv. i'm not pouring myself out if i'm trying to store it all up.
i've never taken the time to link my personal fears to my inability to love. i hope that realizing them and writing them out will cause me to be more conscious of the love (or lack thereof) in my life.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." - Romans 12:9-16
my mind often loops back to these 2 responses: love and fear. are they opposites? when we are not loving, is it because we are afraid? the meanings of these 2 overused words get lost - in translation and in oversimplification. when our loves expand to include pizza, and our fears expand to include cracks in the sidewalk, i think we begin to lose the significance.
i recently was a part of a discussion where we listed our real fears. these fears can be chains, enslaving us, motivating us, and forcing us to behave in cowardly, unloving ways. i didn't speak up - partially because i was afraid, ha - but i thought long and hard about the deep-rooted fears that subconsciously drive me in a direction i'm not proud of. at the end of the day, when all the lights are turned off and i am lying awake in bed, this is what i am really afraid of:
- i am afraid of death. of dying. of growing old and ceasing to exist. of my loved ones dying. this is embarrassing, because i work at a church and i know Jesus is my savior. in my best moments, i believe with an unwavering faith that heaven is next. but in my worst moments, i am almost paralyzed by the possibility of nothingness. emptiness. silence. eternity.
- i am afraid that i will fail someone. disappoint someone. that someone won't like me. anyone. i am a perfectionist. this is a combination of the strange pressure placed on "the oldest" (in my family and in my extended family on both sides), my personality, and my mom. this fear is relentless - it comes out in the clothes i wear, the time i spend criticizing my body, and the words i write but never share. this surfaces at my job, and in any group setting where i don't speak up.
- i am afraid that i will sink into the american dream. more specifically: i am afraid of how easily the american dream entices me. it scares me - how much i love stuff. from a camera to an ipod to a new pair of boots, it is absolutely ridiculous. america's individualistic, self-serving, all-consuming mentality just seeps into my skin from all sides, and i hate the result. it is so, so hard to resist. part of me is always wanting more. new furniture, new clothes, new hobbies. it is a relentless weakness.
so, there they are. the biggest crutches in my life. the things i cannot shake. the things i could not say the other night.
how do those 3 fears cause me to be unloving?
- they keep me from opening up. they keep me from loving uninhibited, because (1) i am afraid i will eventually lose the people i open to and (2) i am afraid they won't like me. but in order to love, you've got to give yourself to the people around you.
- they keep me from understanding people who are different. i try so hard to do things "right," and live by a strict moral compass, and i don't understand when people around me are careless and indifferent about what others may think. deeper still, i am probably harboring jealousy towards the freedom they have to be who they want to be. i can't love when i'm judging, or jealous.
- they keep me isolated and selfish. if i'm internally focused, thinking about the stuff i want to accquire, then i'm not looking to the needs of people around me. i'm not giving. i'm insulating myself in a bubble... in an air conditioned house with locked doors and a big tv. i'm not pouring myself out if i'm trying to store it all up.
i've never taken the time to link my personal fears to my inability to love. i hope that realizing them and writing them out will cause me to be more conscious of the love (or lack thereof) in my life.
Yes!! I agree to all of the above... death, dying, consuming too much, being just right (for everyone) Thanks for sharing, I like when you blog!
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