state of the union

"well, i do not accept second-place for the united states of america."

and i just kept thinking "but many that are first shall be last, and the last first."

we have gotten ourselves into a mess.

...

it's not that i dislike obama. quite the opposite, actually. and i was impressed with many of the things he said. he's clever, and a great speaker. he knows all the right things to say, including playing on the heartstrings of all the die-hard nationalists with the verbal personification of america as some sort of star athlete: the best country in the whole wide world, with the most advances, the most profit, the most success, and the "winner!" - as if the world is some sort of competition. i know he feeds the general public what they want to hear. and if iowa quarterback ricky stanzi is an accurate representation as to the mindset of the general public, then "this is the greatest country in the world. if you don't love it, leave it. america -NUMBER 1!" oh, please.

what arrogance and self-centeredness! it's not stanzi's fault. it's his parents. and their parents. and their neighbors. and the media. and on and on. this is the kind of mindset that created racial profiling and supported guantanamo bay. this is the kind of mindset that refuses to see arabs and chinese as our brothers and sisters. this is the kind of mindset that shuts the door on the naked and jobless and poor, because it's their fault they're suffering - not ours. i am thankful to live here, don't get me wrong. i'm humbled and indebted to all that made this life possible. but the self-righteous idea of entitlement to everything is a scary road to walk down.

and this is the mess we've gotten ourselves into.

three fingers point back at you

if you claim to follow christ, do you think your life looks any different (day to day) compared to a version of yourself that never knew christ? or are you mildly adhering to the vague moral code of the world around you, constantly rating your progress on the relative graph of your mind, making sure you're not too much better or too much worse than anyone else? when you get to the end of your life, all that comparing and contrasting, all those justifications and excuses, will vaporize. what will you be left with?

i worry about this from time to time. i'm afraid america enables us to call ourselves "christian," all the while swimming around in the murky bathwater of contentment and happiness and "your best life now," completely unaware that we are treading closer and closer to the drain. i wonder what would happen if the average christian american were plucked from here and placed in a land where their adherance to the christian faith cost them everything. a place where christianity was not popular. i wonder what would happen if they landed in a place where they had to sacrifice everything in order to follow jesus. how many of us would give up our nice car, our trendy clothes, our warm beds, our cups of coffee, our savings account, our insurance, our vacations, our education, our stability and predictability in order to be living sacrifices for the only thing that will last?

i often feel redundant as i write these things. and i am aware that i sound a bit more preachy than usual. but i'm sick of this. we've traded depth for political correctness. and we've betrayed our first love.

"Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget -- lest we forget!"

-Rudyard Kipling

what it takes

"let love be genuine;
hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good.
love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.
do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the lord.
rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers.
bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly;
do not claim to be wiser than you are. " - romans 12: 9-16

read this last night w/the girls, and it got me thinking. lots going on in that little section from paul. as i contemplate the difficulties of community, i see that paul was giving pieces of practical moral advice - but going through the motions here will not suffice. paul is describing a genuine, sincere concern for others - a humble love that defies the watered down ways of the world. this kind of heart needs to be cultivated. i'd like to be the kind of person that weeps with those who weep. the kind of person who extends generosity to saints and strangers alike. that kind of person would be a lot like christ.

routine procrastination

today, i have done very little. fridays, for me, are an attempt at a sabbath. i sleep in, i slow down, i sit in silence. time, for me, rarely passes in this way - so many hours alone and left to my own devices. it's calming, but it would be unnerving if there was an outsider looking in: i am rather spacey, so much so that even i get frustrated with my own distractedness. i have a list in my head of all these important things i need to accomplish on this, my only free day, and i start about half of them, finish half of those, do a bunch of things not related to the list, and then fizzle out and sit on my floor and read for awhile.

in my head, my day looked like this:

get up early. make coffee. eat oatmeal. go work out. come home and shower. start laundry. clean my room. clean out my car. sit in a coffeeshop for a bit. eat lunch. finish laundry. run errands (need to go to target and fossil). come home. tidy up a bit and go to grandpa and grandmas for dinner.

oh, such lofty goals. in reality, this is how my day played out.

slept in. way too late. made coffee. ate oatmeal. brought laptop into bed. bad idea. surfed the internet for all-inclusive hotels for about an hour and a half. went to work out. got distracted by some bridal show and wasted time, wanting to see the ending. came home and showered. started laundry. made lunch. drizzled entire lunch with sweet chili sauce. completely unnecessary. (it might be interesting to note here that i ate lunch at around 3:00 pm). read on my floor for awhile. flossed. got back on the internet. searched photo booth rentals. tidied up the room a bit. now back on the internet.

i would love to have some semblance of a routine in my life. i hear those are really healthy things for you - good for body and soul. i can't imagine waking and sleeping with regularity, working out at the same time, or even eating meals at a normal hour. i guess my college habits just die hard... or in this case, don't die at all. the worst tragedy is that i know i busted my biological clock somewhere around the age of 14. the darn thing was crushed under the blind rage of some sleep-deprived, hormonal teenage version of myself at some ungodly hour, and i haven't heard a peep from it since.

well, let's look on the bright side.

at least i did work out.
did a load of laundry.

and, best of all, i flossed.

sleepless nights, draining days

last night i dreamt i was in college again, but everything was off. it was my senior year, but i was rooming with brenna (my freshman year roommate who despised me). we were living in a dorm room instead of off-campus, and it was cramped. i didn't want to be there. i wasn't behaving like myself. i went outside, where someone was cutting all these roses off of the rosebushes and a young woman was screaming and hyperventilating over her roses, begging them to stop. i climbed a winding hill above my dorm and david was there, but i was running late and he'd gotten to the top without me. back down on campus, everything had turned to the beaches of perth, only with yellow slides everywhere, and riverside counselors standing on the shore.

it was all an eerie jumbled mess. and i couldn't escape the feeling that something was just wrong. all these scenes from my life - colliding nonsensically. everything was littered with symbolism, but i'm not sure how to interpret it.

waking, it left me in a foul mood. plus, my phone had been ringing all night. numbers i didn't recognize, no messages left. it creeped me out.
...

since my last post full of stress about wedding details, david suddenly got a job. it was such an out-of-the-blue blessing and we were so thankful to God for his timing and goodness. finally, we could afford the photographer we wanted. finally, we could go on a honeymoon and not stay in an eco-tent eating peanut butter sandwiches all week (we still may do this, but now it will be out of choice and not necessity). finally, we wouldn't have to be so tense about money matters.

unfortunately, our relief was short-lived. this is the worst class david has ever been in. these third graders are like a cross between chuckie and cartman, multiplied by 26. i suppose our prayers should have been more specific. instead of "dear God, let david get a job" we should have thrown a couple adjectives in there like "good" or "sane" or "normal."

i shouldn't complain too much. through the difficulties and challenges, we learn more about how to rely on God and on each other. i'm trying to figure out what role to play in all of this - how to best support and encourage him through this tough time. i hate seeing him so deflated. this all serves to reinforce 2 beliefs that i hold strongly to: #1 money is never a fair trade for happiness or peace of mind. i'd rather be poor and happy, any day. #2 teachers do not get paid near enough for all of their effort and emotional distress.

something good has already sprung from these last few days of david teaching: it has forced us to have some real discussions about our future. i am terrified by the thought that we will get too comfortable. with his new job, i start to see our whole predictable life flash before my eyes and nothing about it has the makings of a great story: a dog, a house, some kids, stable jobs, savings account, 2 cars, des moines iowa, retirement, disneyworld, blah-blah-blah. the american dream, as is, has no appeal to me. in the last chapter of crazy love, francis chan says this:

"We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set up our lives so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises." (p. 168)

and:

"I've made a commitment to consistently put myself in situations that scare me and require God to come through. When I survey my life, I realize that those time have been the most meaningful and satisfying of my life. They were the times when I truly experienced life and God." (p. 169).

as scary as it is, i want to live with a lot of unknown. i want to live with a lot of room for faith, a lot of room for God to come through. i want to be able to talk of miracles and know "i was made for this moment."

please don't take offense in reading this: there is nothing inherently wrong with the life that flashed before my eyes. God is immensely creative and calls each individual to a different thing. i am only speaking for myself. i am not projecting these expectations on any reader. i just feel an itching, an uneasiness that reminds me i have been called to something else. a life less ordinary. i don't even know what it is yet. but i want to find out. and i'm so grateful that david feels the same.

passing time

2 quiet mornings in a row... this must be what a weekend feels like. i will brave the bitter cold here in a moment to go for a run, but for now it is so nice to just sit here, looking out my windowsill. my mind has been snagged by so many trivialities these days. with the new year brings all the new hurdles when it comes to wedding planning and it starts to consume my mind. the process is full of so much compromise - for my mom, for my grandparents, for financial reasons, for the weather, for my job - that in the end it'll be any wonder if this wedding accurately represents david & i at all. maybe that's a little dramatic. a wedding is, in the end, just a wedding. a vehicle to get david & i to the real adventure. but it is also the most money i will ever drop on a party, and i want it to be a good one. well, at least i love the dress. that's a start.

everyone loves a good list

with the arrival of the new year, everyone is going all nostalgic on the last decade. i had prided myself on avoiding the potholes of the past until a few days ago, when i realized the "new millennium" housed my coming of age, almost all of my more vivid memories, my pivotal moments (so far), and in essence, my generation. just take the big landmarks for example:

2000 i got my license.

2002 i graduated high school.

2005 i backpacked europe.

2006 i graduated college.

2007 i went to new zealand, australia, africa, and came home.

2008 i got my first real job.

2009 i got engaged.

2010 will top if off w/a wedding.

this last decade has been epic. sure, i lived through the 90s and occasionally still pine for a little angst and grunge and a tune by the Gin Blossoms, but i came into adulthood and grew into my shoe size in these last 10 years. what better way to earmark the ragged journey than some music? a personal soundtrack of sorts to hold the memories. here is a top 10 list on albums that nursed my broken heart, inflated my soul with bliss, injected my bones with rhythm, and forced me to sing at the top of my lungs.

in some order of effect:

1. The Anniversary: "Designing A Nervous Breakdown" released 2001: i'd never heard guy/girl harmony pop better than this. i loved the album cover with all its color and I loved the synthesizers and sentimental lyrics. it was catchy and dancy and deep at the same time. my sister and i shared this album, and she got it stolen off the school bus during one of her track meets. i immediately went out and bought it again.

2. Dashboard Confessional: "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" released 2000: the timing on this desolate, desperate album could not have been better for my crumbling 17-year-old heart. going through my first major break-up found me measuring my minutes "by a clock that's blinking eights" ... on repeat. the lyrics seemed to pour right out of my brain through Chris Carrabba's lips. and i loved him forever for it.

3. Taking Back Sunday: "Tell All Your Friends" released 2002: my sister Kaylynn momentarily dated a cocky musician, and the only good thing to come out of that relationship was this album. she borrowed it from him and popped it in our cd player one afternoon, telling me i'd probably like it. i did - and was completely unprepared for where that album would take me in years to come. the perfect combination of screaming and melody, of biting lyrics and clever comebacks, of backstabbing friends and cheated lovers, would end up being the go-to musical backdrop for endless roadtrips with friends, and the best live concert i've ever witnessed to date.

4. Modest Mouse: "The Moon and Antarctica" released 2000: this album single-handedly turned me on to the weirdness and quirky, artful beauty that is indie music. the first time i heard it i hated it. the second time i heard it, lying at home in bed with the flu, i was hypnotized. maybe it was just my fever, but i was swept away by the repeating loops, odd lyrics, and experimental, instrumental flare. isaac brock's voice is a force to be reckoned with.

5. Jimmy Eat World: "Futures" released 2004: any JEW album could (and should) make a list of mine. "Clarity" would've taken the cake, but it was released in 1999. so, for personal reasons, this one will certainly do. this album seemed to narrate my life at the time it was released. the rise and fall of relationships were already documented in the brooding sadness, in the empty observations, and in hard guitar-driven builds. nothing beat that moment on the train in europe when jimmy sang into my ears "as the train approaches Gare du Nord/as i'm sure your kiss remains employed/am i only dreaming?/you say that love goes anywhere..." le sigh.

6. Death Cab for Cutie: "Plans/Transatlanticism" released 2003/2005: how can i pick between these two? the musical and lyrical leaps and bounds that are made between these two albums are the greatest artistic achievements of any band i know. ben gibbard's sweet tenor could sing me to sleep every night. i know these guys have become cliche, but these 2 albums made the world around me more beautiful, just because they existed. these 2 albums hold all the memories of my college career in their songs.

7. Arcade Fire: "Funeral" released 2004: i don't know how those canadians do it. i still hear that tinkling piano intro in my dreams. it takes me back to the cold winter of my junior year, when i finally realized that i wasn't going to live a predictable life. i love all the instrumental variety interspersed throughout this album. i love how haunting, theatrical songs transform into rich, unbearably dancy conclusions. i think the "Rebellion (Lies)" music video sums it all up neatly. "sleeping is giving in/no matter what they tell you."

8. Mates of State: "Bring it Back" released 2006: kori and jason are the sort of indie darlings that could melt the heart of hitler. while i was a fan for years, i felt like this album really saw them come into their own as an artistic duo. they fill a room with just a drumset and a keyboard (or an organ, or a piano, synthesizer, etc.). maybe it was the fact that they had a baby, but everything seemed cemented and hopeful and boppy all at once. their love is infectious and their live shows are adorably, undeniably good.

9. Tegan and Sara: "The Con" released 2007: i remember walking around in circles in the arizona heat, trying to unearth all the layers this album had to offer. the reckless, poppy folk i'd come to expect from T&S seemed amplified by chris walla's behind-the-scenes production skills and the end result was the stuff of genius. the sisters' voices are so unique, but weave together seamlessly. "the con" and "nineteen" ended up being two of my favorite songs that year.

10. Los Campesinos!: "Hold on Now, Youngster" released 2008: where do i even begin? with LC!, i felt like i'd found something i never knew i'd lost. everything about this band seemed too good to be true. a band with a spanish name from wales and none of them are even welsh? fantastic. all band members changed their last name to campesinos! complete with exclamation mark? glorious. they release two amazing albums in one year? wild. and it doesn't hurt that their music is blissfully cheeky brit-pop-rock at its finest.

& Honorable Mentions:

- Ben Folds: "Rockin' the Suburbs" released 2001. because until this album, i never knew a white guy playing the piano could be so offensively funny.

- Bon Iver: "For Emma, Forever Ago" released 2007. oh why not. everyone else loves it.

- Passion Pit: "Manners" released 2009. might be too soon to tell on this one, but i like it. a lot.