last night i dreamt i was in college again, but everything was off. it was my senior year, but i was rooming with brenna (my freshman year roommate who despised me). we were living in a dorm room instead of off-campus, and it was cramped. i didn't want to be there. i wasn't behaving like myself. i went outside, where someone was cutting all these roses off of the rosebushes and a young woman was screaming and hyperventilating over her roses, begging them to stop. i climbed a winding hill above my dorm and david was there, but i was running late and he'd gotten to the top without me. back down on campus, everything had turned to the beaches of perth, only with yellow slides everywhere, and riverside counselors standing on the shore.
it was all an eerie jumbled mess. and i couldn't escape the feeling that something was just wrong. all these scenes from my life - colliding nonsensically. everything was littered with symbolism, but i'm not sure how to interpret it.
waking, it left me in a foul mood. plus, my phone had been ringing all night. numbers i didn't recognize, no messages left. it creeped me out.
...
since my last post full of stress about wedding details, david suddenly got a job. it was such an out-of-the-blue blessing and we were so thankful to God for his timing and goodness. finally, we could afford the photographer we wanted. finally, we could go on a honeymoon and not stay in an eco-tent eating peanut butter sandwiches all week (we still may do this, but now it will be out of choice and not necessity). finally, we wouldn't have to be so tense about money matters.
unfortunately, our relief was short-lived. this is the worst class david has ever been in. these third graders are like a cross between chuckie and cartman, multiplied by 26. i suppose our prayers should have been more specific. instead of "dear God, let david get a job" we should have thrown a couple adjectives in there like "good" or "sane" or "normal."
i shouldn't complain too much. through the difficulties and challenges, we learn more about how to rely on God and on each other. i'm trying to figure out what role to play in all of this - how to best support and encourage him through this tough time. i hate seeing him so deflated. this all serves to reinforce 2 beliefs that i hold strongly to: #1 money is never a fair trade for happiness or peace of mind. i'd rather be poor and happy, any day. #2 teachers do not get paid near enough for all of their effort and emotional distress.
something good has already sprung from these last few days of david teaching: it has forced us to have some real discussions about our future. i am terrified by the thought that we will get too comfortable. with his new job, i start to see our whole predictable life flash before my eyes and nothing about it has the makings of a great story: a dog, a house, some kids, stable jobs, savings account, 2 cars, des moines iowa, retirement, disneyworld, blah-blah-blah. the american dream, as is, has no appeal to me. in the last chapter of crazy love, francis chan says this:
"We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set up our lives so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises." (p. 168)
and:
"I've made a commitment to consistently put myself in situations that scare me and require God to come through. When I survey my life, I realize that those time have been the most meaningful and satisfying of my life. They were the times when I truly experienced life and God." (p. 169).
as scary as it is, i want to live with a lot of unknown. i want to live with a lot of room for faith, a lot of room for God to come through. i want to be able to talk of miracles and know "i was made for this moment."
please don't take offense in reading this: there is nothing inherently wrong with the life that flashed before my eyes. God is immensely creative and calls each individual to a different thing. i am only speaking for myself. i am not projecting these expectations on any reader. i just feel an itching, an uneasiness that reminds me i have been called to something else. a life less ordinary. i don't even know what it is yet. but i want to find out. and i'm so grateful that david feels the same.
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