you know those days where all you want to do is crawl back under the covers and give up?
today was one of those days.
first, let me give you a little behind-the-scenes peek at what i was up against today.
for the last month or so, my korean co-teacher and i have been feverishly preparing for our "Open Class." this 40-minute class is comprable to getting observed by the principal while teaching in the states... but 10 times more stressful because people who equate to the level of the superintendent, principal, and vice principal are all in attendance, plus a smattering of other teachers/adults who feel like watching you squirm. being foreign and having most of the cultural nuances lost on me, i still understood this "Open Class" was a big, seriously serious deal (such a major deal that i am capitalizing it here in my blog).
my poor co-teacher edited and re-edited the lesson plan daily. she arranged for us to teach in front of the absolute best-behaved fourth-grade class in the school. she had us run weekly practices of our updated lesson plans in front of these compliant fourth graders. i was a little miffed by the fact that i didn't get to contribute to any of the creative processes behind our lesson plan - she did it all and expected me to "just memory the script" word-for-word. no deviations. but i figured, fine. i'll be the well-behaved native teacher and do as i'm told.
this way of thinking became more difficult as our day of reckoning approached.
yesterday, my co-teacher arrived, exhuberant, to our last "Open Class" practice. she had rented out a costume for me to wear on the day of our presentation. she pulled out a glitter-covered top hat and a sequined tuxedo jacket, complete with coat tails dangling down to the backs of my knees. she then told me that i will wear this outfit while doing a magic trick in front of the class.
ok... fine.
but that's not all.
i was to wear this outfit for the entire duration of our lesson.
i was also to hide somewhere in the classroom at the start of the class, and wait for students to call my name.
then, i would pop out of hiding like a jack-in-the-box, and proceed to wow them with my magic trick and shiny getup.
i was also to wear black for the Open Class, because it would look best with my costume.
are you kidding me?!?!
there is a stereotype over here in south korea, that when a native English-speaking teacher comes along, he/she isn't a "real" teacher. he/she is just here to play games and goof off with the kids. we babble our strange, inconsistent little language with exaggerated motions, and act like puppets for the "actual" teachers: the korean ones. recalling a term that we used often at camp, i'd say us English teachers are the monkey-show.
there's only one problem. i don't want to be the monkey show. i'm not at camp anymore. i'm a university educated teacher. i'm not a genius, but i know my stuff. and when i looked through our Open Class lesson plan, i saw all sorts of problems, inconsistencies, and mistakes, but i let it go because i trusted that my teacher knew what she was doing. but this? this outfit, this hiding, this magic trick? this all put me majorly over the edge. i felt insulted.
and yet, come tuesday AM, where could you find me?
hiding behind a bookcase in a magician's costume, waiting for my cue to hop out and do a magic trick.
on this morning, the day of the Open Class, i woke up in a miserable mood, with my right eye swollen from mosquito bites that happened in the night (as said in a previous post, i have a freakish reaction to these bites and i felt like i resembled quasimoto or at least one of the mole people on this particular morning). on my walk to school, my new black tights developed a noticable run in the knee. i knew, then and there, that today was not going to be good.
so why did i go through with it? why did i put on the outfit and play into the stereotypes i so despise?
because i'm trying to get over myself. i'm trying to quit being so prideful, and go with the flow. my american-raised mind keeps telling me i know a better way to do things, and maybe sometimes i do, but i'm a guest in this country. i was invited here to teach, to instruct, but also to learn. i don't understand their customs or culture in the LEAST, and so i need to continue to take the humble posture of observer, learner, and associate while i'm here. i need to respect that my coteacher has taught in this system, in this country, for years, and she will continue to do so well after i leave. she understands the culture of the korean school system better than i ever will.
it wasn't easy, but i swallowed back my pride, and jumped out behind that bookcase with all the enthusaism i could muster.
in the end, part of my motivation for going through with the "monkey-show" routine also came from my years at camp:
you do it for the kids.
for their smiling faces and shy giggles and wide-eyed surprise. for their rapt attention, for making learning fun (these poor kids see no end to the hours upon hours of classrooms, of public and private school, of private tutoring, of homework, & so the break of even a hokey magic show is welcome relief in their eyes), for their questions in korean and their murmur of delight at the end of the trick.
in the end, our "Open Class" went okay. i couldn't really interpet the response of the smooth-talking, pompous Office of Education guy (who's hand i accidentally shook in my nervousness, oops!), but at least our friendly VP gave us the thumbs-up and repeatedly said "excellent" so i'll take that as a good sign. and maybe the best part, as my coteacher said, is that it's done. sigh. just another day in korea.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
bewilderness
sorry about the silence. these days, david and i have been trying to keep up a blog over at wordpress (http://www.davidandbreeann.wordpress.com/) to chronicle all the craziness that is korea. but i want to hang onto this blog too, because it's the quieter, more hidden one. it's the one i can vent on, and know that i won't hear about it later from my mom or grandma :)
all i have to write about korea so far are fragments. nothing is cohesive or seamless. yet. we are forever swimming, trying to keep afloat, searcing in vain for land. but out of such maddening chaos comes a strength that i wouldn't trade comfort for. this is a new reality, a new normal, a new way of life. this is already transforming us, forcing us into deeper humility, longer patience, heavier grace.
i can't easily explain all the various pieces of my life here. so, i think i'll try to make a list.
things i love:
1. that i am here with my fearless, hilarious, thoughtful husband. it's such a good feeling to know that i can come home to him each night. we seem to have an unwaivering security and happiness in our marriage, and that makes everything else in life so much sweeter. plus, in this new country, i've seen so many new aspects of his character - his leadership abilities have been so apparent in all these new situations. and he still cracks me up all the time.
2. our new hodge-podge collection of friends. i have never had such a wide variety of personalities to hang out with. we are a mismatched, odd group of foriegners, but we are banded together here in our shared experiences as teachers. we remind each other that we are not actually losing our minds, and it's good to be a part of a group.
3. the food. most is relatively healthy, and it's such fun to try new things. i've come to really enjoy rice cakes, sundubu jigae (a spicy, seafood & tofu soup), bulgogi, and i love love love all the korean grills. it doesn't hurt that eating out is crazy cheap as well.
4. the kids. there are some bad students, but there are so many sincere, naiive respectful kids as well. and the little ones in their purple or yellow framed glasses? they'll melt your heart.
5. the mountains. the greenery. just outside of our city there is so much natural beauty, it's such a welcome break from the flat farmland that makes up the midwest back home. there are rolling hills and mountains everywhere and once you get out of the city you realize how peaceful and traquil korea really is.
6. my daily walk to/from school. i may come to loathe this as the weather gets colder, but right now it is blissful, peaceful pefection. i see so much on my walks, and it also gives me a good 20 minutes there and back to process and digest everything around me. i learn the most about korea as i trudge through tiny markets and around old ladies pulling their rickshaws and collecting plastic bottles. it's like watching a painting come to life, daily.
7. downtown gwangju. this city is really cool. the downtown area has all these small streets jam-packed with boutiques, coffeeshops, restaurants, etc. most everything downtown is locally owned, and there is so much character from one place to the next. at night it is lit up so bright you feel like it's mid-afternoon. walking down here on a friday night makes you feel like you're actually a part of the city, and not an outsider looking in.
8. chonnam university backgate. our neighborhood. it is so awesome. it's lively and full of college kids and cheap eateries and well over 30 coffeeshops. our neighborhood has a maze of streets to explore and the school has a track that we can run/walk around near a big pond and some lovely greenery. we can see mudeung mountain out our window, along with endless skyscrapers. as we've seen where some of our friends live, we are so thankful to be an area that is right in the midst of it all.
9. the coffeeshops. there are more coffeeshops here than i have ever seen in my life. and each one takes great care to create incredible atmosphere. some have fake trees inside of them, others are lined with christmas lights and comfy couches with colorful pillows. the coffee may be expensive, but they're the perfect place to sit back and people-watch, lesson plan, or read a book.
10. the "newness." this encompasses all those quirky, uniquely korean details that i uncover on a daily basis. customs, traditions, clothing, music (k-pop, anyone), the way my teachers interact with each other, proper bus etiquette, and the list goes on. i am a learner here, trying to soak it all in. my understanding seems to broaden daily, and along with it i think i see more of the character of God - of His HUGEness, of His vast creativity and love and artistic display through a people group that i have never ineracted with before.
things that drive me crazy
1. not being able to communicate. at all. ever. i can't order food at a restaurant properly. i can't buy something properly. i can't ask where the bus station is or if i can get a room at a hotel. i feel like a mute, or a baby. this has been extremely humbling, and we've still managed to do a great deal within these limitations, but i'm ready to start figuring out korean. our language classes started a few days ago, so hopefully this will subside.
2. the mosquitoes. this is a frustration that might just be personal to me - for some reason, i seem to have a freakish allergic reaction to their bites. for me, it ends up feeling like a cross between poison ivy and a bee sting. the bites swell up like crazy, hurt like crazy, itch like crazy. and the mozzies seem to love to eat me all the more because of it. i wake up in the morning with swollen bites on my forehead, neck, cheek, arm, ankle, etc. i'm going to start bathing in bug spray. its miserable.
3. the haters. not sure what else to call this category. for some reason, some koreans don't like the foriegners coming into their country. this is one of the most closed-off, homogenus societies in the world, and a lot of them want to keep it that way. it's mostly older folks on my walk - i catch their eye and almost dissolve into a puddle of tears on the concrete because of their razor sharp glare. one lady even spit in front of me. today, actually, a little boy ran up to me and made the meanest, angriest face accompanied by a growl. i want to say to them "hey. wait a second. you don't know me! i'm actually a really nice person." but i can't say that (see frustration #1). so i usually just look startled, and then walk on.
4. missing. missing food. missing comforts. missing iowa in the fall. missing friends. missing family (distance magnifies). my grandpa had a little health scare recently, and it was the most helpless feeling in the world to be so far away. i wanted to drop everything and run home. i could barely teach. i can live with the missing the foods/comforts, but it's also hard seeing friends lives continue on without me there to be a part of the fun. i'm still very afraid that we'll come back home after all this time away, and we won't know where we fit in anymore. we won't have any core group of friends, like we did when we left. this is where i have to pray and trust. if we're called to be here now, then we'll stay, and leave all the rest of it in His hands.
5. being too big. being told that i'm too big/tall/long. trying to sit down at the cafeteria and bruising my knees on the incredibly low table. trying to sit down at my desk and jamming my knees again. leaning over, all the time. standing out, all the time. standing out for being blond. standing out for being massively tall. standing out for being western. this frustration is forcing me to grow. it's forcing me to be okay in my own skin. to embrace who i am, who God created me to be. it's forcing me to quit being so self-conscious and shy. it's forcing me to play volleyball. as much as i hate it sometimes, i know i need to grow up in this area. it's long overdue.
thats about it for the frustrations list. i don't want to force myself to think of negative things. overall, it's been a continued adventure. it's been crazy and overwhelming, but also beautiful and vivid. it really is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, something david and i will share until we're old and gray. i never wanted the road most travelled.
all i have to write about korea so far are fragments. nothing is cohesive or seamless. yet. we are forever swimming, trying to keep afloat, searcing in vain for land. but out of such maddening chaos comes a strength that i wouldn't trade comfort for. this is a new reality, a new normal, a new way of life. this is already transforming us, forcing us into deeper humility, longer patience, heavier grace.
i can't easily explain all the various pieces of my life here. so, i think i'll try to make a list.
things i love:
1. that i am here with my fearless, hilarious, thoughtful husband. it's such a good feeling to know that i can come home to him each night. we seem to have an unwaivering security and happiness in our marriage, and that makes everything else in life so much sweeter. plus, in this new country, i've seen so many new aspects of his character - his leadership abilities have been so apparent in all these new situations. and he still cracks me up all the time.
2. our new hodge-podge collection of friends. i have never had such a wide variety of personalities to hang out with. we are a mismatched, odd group of foriegners, but we are banded together here in our shared experiences as teachers. we remind each other that we are not actually losing our minds, and it's good to be a part of a group.
3. the food. most is relatively healthy, and it's such fun to try new things. i've come to really enjoy rice cakes, sundubu jigae (a spicy, seafood & tofu soup), bulgogi, and i love love love all the korean grills. it doesn't hurt that eating out is crazy cheap as well.
4. the kids. there are some bad students, but there are so many sincere, naiive respectful kids as well. and the little ones in their purple or yellow framed glasses? they'll melt your heart.
5. the mountains. the greenery. just outside of our city there is so much natural beauty, it's such a welcome break from the flat farmland that makes up the midwest back home. there are rolling hills and mountains everywhere and once you get out of the city you realize how peaceful and traquil korea really is.
6. my daily walk to/from school. i may come to loathe this as the weather gets colder, but right now it is blissful, peaceful pefection. i see so much on my walks, and it also gives me a good 20 minutes there and back to process and digest everything around me. i learn the most about korea as i trudge through tiny markets and around old ladies pulling their rickshaws and collecting plastic bottles. it's like watching a painting come to life, daily.
7. downtown gwangju. this city is really cool. the downtown area has all these small streets jam-packed with boutiques, coffeeshops, restaurants, etc. most everything downtown is locally owned, and there is so much character from one place to the next. at night it is lit up so bright you feel like it's mid-afternoon. walking down here on a friday night makes you feel like you're actually a part of the city, and not an outsider looking in.
8. chonnam university backgate. our neighborhood. it is so awesome. it's lively and full of college kids and cheap eateries and well over 30 coffeeshops. our neighborhood has a maze of streets to explore and the school has a track that we can run/walk around near a big pond and some lovely greenery. we can see mudeung mountain out our window, along with endless skyscrapers. as we've seen where some of our friends live, we are so thankful to be an area that is right in the midst of it all.
9. the coffeeshops. there are more coffeeshops here than i have ever seen in my life. and each one takes great care to create incredible atmosphere. some have fake trees inside of them, others are lined with christmas lights and comfy couches with colorful pillows. the coffee may be expensive, but they're the perfect place to sit back and people-watch, lesson plan, or read a book.
10. the "newness." this encompasses all those quirky, uniquely korean details that i uncover on a daily basis. customs, traditions, clothing, music (k-pop, anyone), the way my teachers interact with each other, proper bus etiquette, and the list goes on. i am a learner here, trying to soak it all in. my understanding seems to broaden daily, and along with it i think i see more of the character of God - of His HUGEness, of His vast creativity and love and artistic display through a people group that i have never ineracted with before.
things that drive me crazy
1. not being able to communicate. at all. ever. i can't order food at a restaurant properly. i can't buy something properly. i can't ask where the bus station is or if i can get a room at a hotel. i feel like a mute, or a baby. this has been extremely humbling, and we've still managed to do a great deal within these limitations, but i'm ready to start figuring out korean. our language classes started a few days ago, so hopefully this will subside.
2. the mosquitoes. this is a frustration that might just be personal to me - for some reason, i seem to have a freakish allergic reaction to their bites. for me, it ends up feeling like a cross between poison ivy and a bee sting. the bites swell up like crazy, hurt like crazy, itch like crazy. and the mozzies seem to love to eat me all the more because of it. i wake up in the morning with swollen bites on my forehead, neck, cheek, arm, ankle, etc. i'm going to start bathing in bug spray. its miserable.
3. the haters. not sure what else to call this category. for some reason, some koreans don't like the foriegners coming into their country. this is one of the most closed-off, homogenus societies in the world, and a lot of them want to keep it that way. it's mostly older folks on my walk - i catch their eye and almost dissolve into a puddle of tears on the concrete because of their razor sharp glare. one lady even spit in front of me. today, actually, a little boy ran up to me and made the meanest, angriest face accompanied by a growl. i want to say to them "hey. wait a second. you don't know me! i'm actually a really nice person." but i can't say that (see frustration #1). so i usually just look startled, and then walk on.
4. missing. missing food. missing comforts. missing iowa in the fall. missing friends. missing family (distance magnifies). my grandpa had a little health scare recently, and it was the most helpless feeling in the world to be so far away. i wanted to drop everything and run home. i could barely teach. i can live with the missing the foods/comforts, but it's also hard seeing friends lives continue on without me there to be a part of the fun. i'm still very afraid that we'll come back home after all this time away, and we won't know where we fit in anymore. we won't have any core group of friends, like we did when we left. this is where i have to pray and trust. if we're called to be here now, then we'll stay, and leave all the rest of it in His hands.
5. being too big. being told that i'm too big/tall/long. trying to sit down at the cafeteria and bruising my knees on the incredibly low table. trying to sit down at my desk and jamming my knees again. leaning over, all the time. standing out, all the time. standing out for being blond. standing out for being massively tall. standing out for being western. this frustration is forcing me to grow. it's forcing me to be okay in my own skin. to embrace who i am, who God created me to be. it's forcing me to quit being so self-conscious and shy. it's forcing me to play volleyball. as much as i hate it sometimes, i know i need to grow up in this area. it's long overdue.
thats about it for the frustrations list. i don't want to force myself to think of negative things. overall, it's been a continued adventure. it's been crazy and overwhelming, but also beautiful and vivid. it really is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, something david and i will share until we're old and gray. i never wanted the road most travelled.
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