bewilderness

sorry about the silence. these days, david and i have been trying to keep up a blog over at wordpress (http://www.davidandbreeann.wordpress.com/) to chronicle all the craziness that is korea. but i want to hang onto this blog too, because it's the quieter, more hidden one. it's the one i can vent on, and know that i won't hear about it later from my mom or grandma :)

all i have to write about korea so far are fragments. nothing is cohesive or seamless. yet. we are forever swimming, trying to keep afloat, searcing in vain for land. but out of such maddening chaos comes a strength that i wouldn't trade comfort for. this is a new reality, a new normal, a new way of life. this is already transforming us, forcing us into deeper humility, longer patience, heavier grace.

i can't easily explain all the various pieces of my life here. so, i think i'll try to make a list.

things i love:

1. that i am here with my fearless, hilarious, thoughtful husband. it's such a good feeling to know that i can come home to him each night. we seem to have an unwaivering security and happiness in our marriage, and that makes everything else in life so much sweeter. plus, in this new country, i've seen so many new aspects of his character - his leadership abilities have been so apparent in all these new situations. and he still cracks me up all the time.

2. our new hodge-podge collection of friends. i have never had such a wide variety of personalities to hang out with. we are a mismatched, odd group of foriegners, but we are banded together here in our shared experiences as teachers. we remind each other that we are not actually losing our minds, and it's good to be a part of a group.

3. the food. most is relatively healthy, and it's such fun to try new things. i've come to really enjoy rice cakes, sundubu jigae (a spicy, seafood & tofu soup), bulgogi, and i love love love all the korean grills. it doesn't hurt that eating out is crazy cheap as well.

4. the kids. there are some bad students, but there are so many sincere, naiive respectful kids as well. and the little ones in their purple or yellow framed glasses? they'll melt your heart.

5. the mountains. the greenery. just outside of our city there is so much natural beauty, it's such a welcome break from the flat farmland that makes up the midwest back home. there are rolling hills and mountains everywhere and once you get out of the city you realize how peaceful and traquil korea really is.

6. my daily walk to/from school. i may come to loathe this as the weather gets colder, but right now it is blissful, peaceful pefection. i see so much on my walks, and it also gives me a good 20 minutes there and back to process and digest everything around me. i learn the most about korea as i trudge through tiny markets and around old ladies pulling their rickshaws and collecting plastic bottles. it's like watching a painting come to life, daily.

7. downtown gwangju. this city is really cool. the downtown area has all these small streets jam-packed with boutiques, coffeeshops, restaurants, etc. most everything downtown is locally owned, and there is so much character from one place to the next. at night it is lit up so bright you feel like it's mid-afternoon. walking down here on a friday night makes you feel like you're actually a part of the city, and not an outsider looking in.

8. chonnam university backgate. our neighborhood. it is so awesome. it's lively and full of college kids and cheap eateries and well over 30 coffeeshops. our neighborhood has a maze of streets to explore and the school has a track that we can run/walk around near a big pond and some lovely greenery. we can see mudeung mountain out our window, along with endless skyscrapers. as we've seen where some of our friends live, we are so thankful to be an area that is right in the midst of it all.

9. the coffeeshops. there are more coffeeshops here than i have ever seen in my life. and each one takes great care to create incredible atmosphere. some have fake trees inside of them, others are lined with christmas lights and comfy couches with colorful pillows. the coffee may be expensive, but they're the perfect place to sit back and people-watch, lesson plan, or read a book.

10. the "newness." this encompasses all those quirky, uniquely korean details that i uncover on a daily basis. customs, traditions, clothing, music (k-pop, anyone), the way my teachers interact with each other, proper bus etiquette, and the list goes on. i am a learner here, trying to soak it all in. my understanding seems to broaden daily, and along with it i think i see more of the character of God - of His HUGEness, of His vast creativity and love and artistic display through a people group that i have never ineracted with before.

things that drive me crazy

1. not being able to communicate. at all. ever. i can't order food at a restaurant properly. i can't buy something properly. i can't ask where the bus station is or if i can get a room at a hotel. i feel like a mute, or a baby. this has been extremely humbling, and we've still managed to do a great deal within these limitations, but i'm ready to start figuring out korean. our language classes started a few days ago, so hopefully this will subside.

2. the mosquitoes. this is a frustration that might just be personal to me - for some reason, i seem to have a freakish allergic reaction to their bites. for me, it ends up feeling like a cross between poison ivy and a bee sting. the bites swell up like crazy, hurt like crazy, itch like crazy. and the mozzies seem to love to eat me all the more because of it. i wake up in the morning with swollen bites on my forehead, neck, cheek, arm, ankle, etc. i'm going to start bathing in bug spray. its miserable.

3. the haters. not sure what else to call this category. for some reason, some koreans don't like the foriegners coming into their country. this is one of the most closed-off, homogenus societies in the world, and a lot of them want to keep it that way. it's mostly older folks on my walk - i catch their eye and almost dissolve into a puddle of tears on the concrete because of their razor sharp glare. one lady even spit in front of me. today, actually, a little boy ran up to me and made the meanest, angriest face accompanied by a growl. i want to say to them "hey. wait a second. you don't know me! i'm actually a really nice person." but i can't say that (see frustration #1). so i usually just look startled, and then walk on.

4. missing. missing food. missing comforts. missing iowa in the fall. missing friends. missing family (distance magnifies). my grandpa had a little health scare recently, and it was the most helpless feeling in the world to be so far away. i wanted to drop everything and run home. i could barely teach. i can live with the missing the foods/comforts, but it's also hard seeing friends lives continue on without me there to be a part of the fun. i'm still very afraid that we'll come back home after all this time away, and we won't know where we fit in anymore. we won't have any core group of friends, like we did when we left. this is where i have to pray and trust. if we're called to be here now, then we'll stay, and leave all the rest of it in His hands.

5. being too big. being told that i'm too big/tall/long. trying to sit down at the cafeteria and bruising my knees on the incredibly low table. trying to sit down at my desk and jamming my knees again. leaning over, all the time. standing out, all the time. standing out for being blond. standing out for being massively tall. standing out for being western. this frustration is forcing me to grow. it's forcing me to be okay in my own skin. to embrace who i am, who God created me to be. it's forcing me to quit being so self-conscious and shy. it's forcing me to play volleyball. as much as i hate it sometimes, i know i need to grow up in this area. it's long overdue.



thats about it for the frustrations list. i don't want to force myself to think of negative things. overall, it's been a continued adventure. it's been crazy and overwhelming, but also beautiful and vivid. it really is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, something david and i will share until we're old and gray. i never wanted the road most travelled.