disconnected.

i've come to terms with the fact that some people are magnets. they draw a constant orbit. they are at the center of community, of relationships, of life. they make you feel instantly comfortable. they make you laugh and think and maybe even frustrate you. they are dynamic, unaware, vibrant, and bold. i love those sorts of people. in my life, i am surrounded by beautiful magnet souls. 

i've also come to terms with the fact that i am destined to live in the peripherals. i'm not the aforementioned magnet. i'm much too timid, hesitant, politically-correct, and self-aware to draw much admiration or excitement. i suppose i have my mom to thank for these suburbanite traits. for the purposes of being a writer, i'm okay with the title of observer. i'm content to listen, to write about the characters around me while i shuffle along behind them. 

but here is the most persistent and frustrating thing about my personality: though i always identify best with (and even want to be) behind-the-scenes, i still often get to feeling like i don't matter. like i'm not central to the story, or even a part of the story. like if i ceased to be a part of a community, no one would be all that upset. 

the potentially nomadic nature of my near-future amplifies my insecurities. if i leave, if i am gone for a year, who will care? who will try to even keep in touch? i experienced this once in australia, and was saddened by the results. now, in a new community, will the same thing happen when i leave for twice as long? 

being married, unfortunately, amplifies this feeling of being unimportant. there is an invisible line, i think, between the wedded and unwed, and suddenly i am seen as "other." in a category that doesn't warrant a phone call or an invite to every girls night out. don't get me wrong, i am so blessed to get to be with the love of my life, but that isn't all there is to life. there is always a deep human need for community and relationships. to be a part of something. to matter. 

so i guess i'm feeling insignificant tonight. i hate when i get this way. i feel like it's weak of me to write about it... or it comes off like a petty cry for attention when that's not the case. but on the same token, i need to acknowledge and own up to my weaknesses. i might as well write about them, and get them out. i might as well try to put these emotions into words. i might as well be honest.