it doesn't do any good

to sit on the kitchen floor and cry. i know this, because i tried it tonight. big, fat tears rolled down my cheeks. i wiped snot on my t-shirt sleeve like a little kid. i admit it, i'm an ugly crier, and i prefer to do it alone. by way of explanation, i'd just stubbed my toe wickedly. it hurt so ungodly much that i inadvertently crushed the sprite can in my hand as i spit "dammit" through clenched teeth. and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the last straw in my stack. i slumped down in our little kitchen and cried.

i would classify today as a sort of sad day, overall. i went to a funeral this morning of a woman who was part of my mexico mission team last november. she was spunky and fun, engaged to be married, and planned to come to south africa this summer. she was 61, and was diagnosed with cancer. less than six months later, she's gone. it's sobering, to say the least, to sit at her memorial service and watch her fiancee and kids and parents and siblings choke up repeatedly. some things don't make any sense.

the day ebbed into a bleh sort of evening, where the tv hypnotizes you and steadily sucks minute after minute from your marrow until you realize your whole night is gone. i hate television, and yet even i fall prey to it's alluring images. i was grumpy that i didn't do productive things tonight. i have dozens of thank yous to write to all the selfless individuals who have been generous enough to support david and me on a mission trip. i have stacks of papers to wade through and attempt to organize. a job hinges on my ability to get everything done right. or so i feel.

so then, i did the typical wife thing and snapped at david, because i feel like i'm the one taking initiative the whole way. i feel like i'm the one in charge, for some reason. i feel like if i don't push and pull and drag, then nothing will ever get done. whether that's true or not, i don't wait around to find out. i jump the gun, i read and reread everything, and then i get mad that i've had to do it all alone.

but really, look at me, crying so so quietly on the dirty rug in the kitchen. why am i crying so quietly? because i want to be alone. i am so fiercely independent, i sometimes don't even give david a chance. i don't want attention, in fact i run from it, but sometimes we have to be vulnerable. i have to admit that, quite frankly, i don't know why i'm crying. i'm just sort of scared, and feeling sad about everything tonight. life can be grand and beautiful, and we like to show off the good parts to everyone around us, a convincing display unto ourselves that we have it all together.

but sometimes, people cry. and they don't look good while they do it.

sometimes, life can be a little heavy. but we ought to ask for a hand. i think that's how He wanted it to be.