these things forced me to write tonight. my writing has become limited because i doubt my ability to say anything worth reading... but since when was my writing ever for an audience? i've got stacks of journals meant for nothing more than God, catharsis, and memory's sake.
so. today. sunshine burst into every corner of my room this morning. i ignored the odd early phone call, the first dull blares of my alarm, until i couldn't stand it anymore. i finally pulled my sleepy bones out of bed and went to work out. i still find it humorous that i exercise. i will never be 'athletic,' but i'm shooting for healthy. and it's a good way to clear my mind. i rewarded myself with iced coffee.
i then spent a full day looking at wedding dresses with elizabeth and her mom. it's great to be a supportive friend, and to not have to make any decisions myself. i may have even teared up a couple times... because underneath all the jaded cynicism i'm just a big baby. i secretly wish her wedding was first, so i could witness how it all comes together before attempting my own, because at this point, it's kind of baffling to me. people ask me questions (about veils, music, centerpieces, showers, hotels, etc. etc. etc.) and i sort of feel like i have this blank/deer-in-the-headlights expression about me. but mine is a mere 99 days away. guess i'll wing it.
this evening i babysat for the 3 most incredibly fantastic little girls in the world. when i'm watching them, everything slows down. my inner monologue shuts off. i quit stressing about work and the wedding. i'm in a state of blissful fascination. and they're not even my kids. tonight, listening to Gabby tell me about her dvds, watching Felicity sing her prayers before bed, and hearing Isabelle proclaim "i would sin a whole lot less if i didn't have sisters" i think about Jesus's love for the least of these, and i think about faith like a child, and i think about my mom. she dealt with 3 ridiculous little girls night after night, and she tells me now that she would "give anything to go back" for just one moment - to see us then, knowing us now... sometimes i wish for the same.
later, Felicity came into the room where i was reading to Isabelle, and Felicity kept flipping her blond hair over her shoulder and complaining about the noisy "airplanes" flying outside her window and how she couldn't fall asleep. her attitude and her gestures were absolutely comical and i couldn't keep it together. as i stifled giggles and directed her back to bed i wondered at what it would be like to have a child of my own that was half as funny as this girl. life would be unbearably good.
i don't have confidence in much, and i don't insist that i know all that much, but deep down inside, i know i'll be a good mom. i'm fiercely determined to give it everything i've got, and i know that is a calling at some point that i will answer. but i also know there's a lot to do before i reach that point.
i drove home tonight under clear black skies. i merged onto 235 heading west. my favorite snapshot of des moines is here - just as the highway hits the des moines river if you glance to the south you'll see the city at her best. all the lights glaring bright, the layering of buildings and sky is sublime, all hugging the river. i love knowing my home is tucked among the city. i may never live in a suburb again. des moines is the perfect size and shape for me, and i feel like it is an old friend after all these years. an old friend that is always reveals new sides, that always keeps you on your toes.
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