things unseen

my dreams have been so chaotic lately.

two nights ago, i dreamt i was keeping all these animals in the basement of the colonade. i was trying to feed and take care of them, but it was wildly out of control. at first, there were just a few cats. but they kept multiplying, and the next thing i know, there are cows and sheep, and then there's even a small baby i'm keeping down there. i try to compartmentalize the animals and the baby, and i try to feed and care for them, but it's going miserably and everything is a nasty mess. i tried to hide all this from the other residents, out of embarrassment of my failure, but people were finding out anyway.

last night, i dreamt it was my wedding day. somehow, the entire day had escaped me, and suddenly it was 4 o'clock and we were doing pictures, and i hadn't even gotten a coffee yet. all these small details were being forgotten, and then i realized i double-booked and had 2 photographers. my mom was griping at me and asking me why i even wanted to take pictures outside anyway, and i was trying so hard to keep my cool and roll with the punches and not turn into a bridezilla, but it was really hard and overwhelming.

i know these are anxiety dreams, and they represent all the looming responsibilities that i feel inadequate to take on. i know they're comically disproportionate situations, but the concerns being raised in my subconscious are real enough. i don't have it all together. i don't know what's next. i am not in control. but i am also in my 20s. it's normal. right?

around 12:30 AM last night, i finally finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being. the book had been really challenging and fascinating and disturbing, and at the end it left me with a powerful sense of melancholy. i couldn't shake it. i lay in the dark, feeling how i used to feel when i was 5 years old. back then, i used to be so afraid of death. i would lay awake at night and watch my life accelerate, like i was holding the fast forward button down on a remote. i'd watch my grandparents die, then my parents, then my cousins and aunts and uncles, and then i would be gone. poof. just like that. what an unusual kid i used to be.

last night, i prayed myself to sleep. i haven't done that in awhile, and it helped.